Britain’s University of Nottingham field hockey team (men playing field hockey? Yeah, Europe is tres weird, right?) recently played an all-nude match to stop homophobia in sports.
Their hearts are in the right place (literally — we can see them since they’re shirtless), but couldn’t they have had a bake sale or something? We’re not being homophobic. It’s just the male body is like a bad Internet headline — it’s not enticing.
We’re well into the 21st century, so, much like our short-lived love affair with Ace of Base and low calorie beer, it’s time to kick homophobia to the curb, but there are just some things men should not do naked. Playing sports — yes, even field hockey — is right up there.
What else is there? Glad you asked. Here’s a handy checklist for you.
Eat — Again, a woman can be sensual when doing this. But the thought of a man enjoying a slice of pepperoni is not appealing, especially since you just know he’s going to drip sauce somewhere sauce is not meant to be dripped.
Play Video Games — Men tend to get worked up playing video games. They sweat and jump around. Like an Adam Sandler-Drew Barrymore movie that’s made anytime after ‘The Wedding Singer,’ it’s just not a good idea.
Mow the Lawn — No clothes, a sharp blade. Need we say more?
Look in a Mirror — But, how are we supposed to really know what we look like? Good question. Here’s a step-by-step solution:
Get a job
Stay employed long enough to get health insurance
Find a doctor in your network
Make an appointment to see said doctor
Take off your clothes when he/she asks during the exam so he/she can see what’s going on
Get dressed and go home
Go to a Bar — Laying it out all so women can see what they’re dealing with may sound good in theory (kind of like an Adam Sandler-Drew Barrymore movie), but it’s not. Women like confidence, but not this kind of exhibitionism.
Vote — Don’t show off your pole at the polls. Civic-minded people are apt to call the authorities very quickly.