It's all fun and games until someone gets thrown out of the stadium.
When it comes to professional sports, there are fans and there are fanatics. A sports fan boos a ref when he makes a blown call. A sports fanatic flies into a berserker rage and threatens the ref's family.
The word "fan" is derived from the word "fanatic," but there is a huge difference between the two. According to the dictionary, a fanatic is a person whose enthusiasm or zeal for something is extreme or beyond normal limits. A "fan" is a person who just really likes something. When it comes to football or baseball or basketball, a "fan" roots for the home team and a "fanatic" chants like the high priest of an ancient death cult.
Generally speaking, sports fanatics ruin sports for fans and their families. These obnoxious freaks make the games about themselves and their fragile egos. Relax, sports fanatics! Don't take a contest between groups of beefy men chasing balls around a nice park so seriously. That's just dumb.
Reason #1: When their team loses, sports fanatics cry like little boys who fell down, go boom.
It is utterly human to cry at a funeral. Tears of joy are acceptable at a graduation, because the journey from childhood to adulthood is bittersweet. If you get kicked in the testicles, no one is going to blame you for shedding tears. But if your favorite team loses the big playoff game, the appropriate response is "wait until next year!" Blubbering is just not a normal, healthy reaction. Sports fanatics who openly weep because their team lost are having emotional breakdowns.
Reason #2: Sports fanatics celebrate athletic competition by stuffing their face holes full of the four food groups: cheesiness, crunchiness, meatiness, and chemicals.
There are two kinds of Super Bowl parties. The casual kind with nachos and hot dogs, where friends and family gather to chat, watch some ridiculous commercials and pay attention to the game when it gets good. Then there's the Super Bowl party that is a gluttonous feeding. A sick cross between a Thanksgiving feast bled of any meaning and a Roman Orgy without any of the sex. It's amazing that vomit buckets aren't a regular part of these chow marathons.
Reason #3: You know who can wear face paint? Clowns. You know who can't? Grown men.
If you like getting your face painted, go to a fair and get a flower drawn on your forehead. Don't be ashamed. Or just wait for Halloween, and slather your grill with colorful makeup, just like all the other children. Face paint doesn't convey passion. In fact, it's kind of creepy. Wear face paint out at night and people will just think you're some kind of pervert or serial killer.
Reason #4: There is nothing more romantic than proposing marriage in front of thousands of sweaty drunks screaming "DEEE-FENSE".
You know what proposing at a ballgame says? It says "I'm going to kill two birds with one stone." There is nothing romantic about briefly interrupting the game so that you can ask the person you love to marry you. Having something in common is an important part of any relationship. But, and this goes for nerds, too, there is nothing special about popping the question during a game or some dorky comic book convention. Bending your knee in public is fine. But involving thousands of people who will care for less than 30 seconds isn't romantic, it's just convenient.
Reason #5: Every sports fanatic is under the impression that the world's beer supply is running out.
One cup of beer at a time is just fine, bro. Double-fist those cups if you have to, but, really, what's the rush? The beer isn't going anywhere. There is no brew drought. If you run out of beer, get off your cheese ass and waddle to get a new one. Offer to buy one for your buddy, and then later, he can return the favor. Exercise is good for you! There is really no reason why you need to strap a keg to your back like a firefighter wearing an oxygen tank or consume your beer via tube. Drinking through a tube is just never a good idea.
Reason #6: Sports fanatics succeed at having completely imaginary relationships with professional athletes who have no idea they exist.
If you love someone who doesn't know your name, then you need to take a moment to reevaluate your life. Ask yourself some questions, like, is there anyone you love who knows you exist? Who you've spoken to before? If the answer is "no," then maybe you shouldn't put all of your eggs in one basket, you know? It's probably not going to work out with you and Lebron, and it's not because you're not a special person. It's probably because you talk to him, nightly, through the television set.
Reason #7: Do you know how many times crazy, raving sports fanatics are walked out of stadiums in handcuffs? Way too many times.
Sometimes, a stadium is like a giant trailer park full of trashy malcontents who have no boundaries, sense of personal responsibility or respect for authority. Maybe they think that a sports stadium is a little bit like Vatican City? A sovereign nation where the laws of the parking lot don't apply? That's the only explanation as to why there are so many wackos, many of them naked, who unleash their id once inside America's mighty cathedrals of physical excellence.
Reason #8: Sports fanatics never, ever get tired of a group physical activity that requires you stand up, throw your arms in the air, then sit back down, over and over again.
The Wave is, simply, mass mind control. Why are we doing The Wave? Because that is the will of the hive, and the hive must be obeyed. For some, The Wave is a game. For others, it is also a game, only the kind of game that isn't fun at all. If you don't play along and jump up when the wave comes crashing towards you, some sports fanatic will give you the stink eye. That sports fanatic might be one beer away from losing his mind and you'd probably be his first target. Or her first target. There's no reason to be gender normative in these regards.
Reason #9: Sports fanatics can only express their love through making bad life choices. See: super macho tattoo of football player.
Tattoos say a lot about a person. A butterfly above your butt? You were a sorority girl. Arty barbed-wire wrapped around a bicep? You started a band and ended up a bartender. A tattoo of your favorite sports team all over your forearm? A sports fanatic who needs better friends. Quality friends who might say "Hey, bro, instead of a tattoo, let's just go buy a new hat!" Why do sports fanatics need to bleed to prove their insane loyalty? You know who can pull off ink? Firefighters, marines and bikers.
Reason #10: A sports fanatic will climb over an old lady, elbow a kid in the face and punch out their brother for a magic ball.
Every year, one single ball flies from a baseball field and into the stands. That baseball is incredibly valuable, because it's the only one during the entire season that will escape the intense gravity of the baseball diamond and come within the grasp of mere mortal fans. But of course, this isn't true. That was blatant, over-the-top sarcasm! Sports fanatics treat these fly balls like a blood sport. Again with the blood!
Reason #11: Sports fanatics wait until they are at a public sporting event to work out their deep-seated anger issues.
Sports fanatics are powder kegs of rage, virtual champagne bottles of napalm just waiting to pop. Which they do, right there, next to you. Cheer for the opposing team and that's a fist in the face. Look at that guy crosswise and that's a fist in the face. Get angry because some dude vomits beer foam on your son's head? That's a fist in the face. Sports fanatics use games as safe places for the free expression of negative, pent-up fury. This is why professional sport is a dish best served at home, in front of a flat-screen television.
Reason #12: Sports fanatics buy expensive team jerseys because they contain the life essence of the athlete.
You love your home team? Good for you! Show your love by buying a ticket, and a $20 T-shirt and ma-a-a-aybe a pennant. Do you need that foam finger? Do you think the players see those "number one" foam fingers and think "Yes. Yes, we are number one. Thank you, noble fan."? Now, this might be a sensitive subject to some, but do you also need to drop 200 bucks on a jersey? You do realize that's like one of those glamour crones on the TV show Sex and the City spending tons of cash on a designer handbag, right? Jerseys are jock fashion, and like all fashion, it's overpriced and over-hyped. But if you must purchase one of these tacky smocks, maybe wait to see whether the new quarterback lasts a season.