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Name: Allie the Asphyxiator (pictured right)

Location: The ‘special accommodations needed’ aisle on the airplane.

Occupation: Paperweight.

Hobbies: Running, doing jumping jacks, carrying stuff for people (see above).

3 Things She Can’t Live Without: Anodized steel sports bras, lycra, Aleve.

Skills: Clapping with her arms behind her back, anchoring ships in a storm.

Her Motto: “Can you hold these for a second?”


Hot Mess Pics

Occupation: Unendorsed High school baseball mascot and guardian of nightmares

Hobbies: Causing foul balls, clearing stadiums, costume design.

3 Things He Can’t Live Without: Pink lycra,, forgiveness.

Skills: Trapping, making smoothies, and charming the ladies.

His Motto: “…And one in the stink!”

Names: Beauty and the Beast

How They Met: She lost a bet.

How He Tells People They Met: Fate.

Common Vice: Taking bets.

3 Things She Can’t Live Without: Compassion, a blindfold, and a really good sense of humor.

Why They Are Covered in Blood: “Due to a pending investigation, we would rather not say.” – Beast “…Another bet.” – Beauty

Their Motto: “A bet’s a bet.”

Hot Mess Pics

Occupation: Full-time hair model, part-time dishrag.

Skills: Clogging shower drains, meeting new friends.

3 Things She Can’t Live Without: The “Whip My Hair Back And Forth” remix (only MP3 on her 1st generation iPod), Horse-grade hair conditioner, and a back brace.

Her Motto: “ANIMAL!!!!!”

Hot Mess Pics Name: Not-so-little Boy Blue

Location: The Tidy Bowl toilet cleaner factory

Occupation: Factory line-man, ‘Blue Man Group’ hopeful and weekly attender of open auditions for the past 11 years. (One call-back, which was a clerical error).

Hobbies: Creating monochromatic environments, listening to Muddy Waters and Leadbelly, and eating blue raspberry-flavored anything.

3 Things He Can’t Live Without: His Eiffel 65 Greatest Hits cd, Criterion Collection DVD of My Blue Heaven, and a waterproof jock strap.

Skills: Hard-squinting, blowing “blue bubbles” (we didn’t ask), and making”hug art” (what he calls it when he gets blue body paint all over you).

His Motto: “Looks like i ‘blue’ myself prematurely.”

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